I haven’t written here in a while. Mostly, it’s because I’ve been very busy with getting things figured out, and attempting to find a job of some sort. Mentally, however, I am in utter shambles. I cannot figure out where to begin, and where to end. It just seems I’m being more detrimental to myself and others, than I am being helpful.
There have been some interesting things going on for me, to say the least. Several of them, I am highly unsure of. I need to speak with my “new client” and figure out if and when I’ll be flying out to New Jersey. Otherwise, I’m sure we can figure out something to where I can work on the website without traveling. It’s a complicated situation. This coming weekend, I intend to be taking a certain woman to dinner, and to see Saw VI, provided nothing changes in circumstances and my luck. That’s part of what is confusing me, I’m unsure what is going on. Or perhaps, I’m just overanxious and slightly paranoid about messing up, as I usually do. I can’t shake the feeling, and it leaves me curious as to why I have been unable to overcome such insecurities. It’s quite the burden.
I have still been exceedingly unable to get a job. It’s an excessive amount of pain and stress when you have been out of school for 2 years, and living on the empty promises from people of your past and present. Constantly being told “You’ll get a good job,” and not being able to back it up, after spending the time to study, practice, and perfect your knowledge has been draining, and destructive. Mostly, because of that, I never really did enjoy my college years, and now thoroughly regret EVERYTHING that I went through. I regret GOING to Murray, I regret working at Cracker Barrel. I also regret MANY things that I am rather unwilling to mention here. I acknowledge that I can’t change the past, but now I am stuck in a position where I cannot change my future without going through more pain, suffering, and regret. Is there ever ANY end to the pain and profuse metaphorical philandering of one’s life? Perhaps not.
They say home is where the heart is. Yet, I haven’t found my home, and I sure haven’t found my heart. I’m longing for something, craving it perhaps. I no longer know what it is, but am aware that it is sorrowful and painful to be withheld from it.